I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
