I bet he comes in French.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
