Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
