I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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