Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
