hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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