I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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