i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
as a side note pls kill me
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
