So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
