So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Randomize
