So drunk its hurt
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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