so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
