Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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