How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I looked at my own cervix.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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