so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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