Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
