I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
