i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
