Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
All the doctor said was why
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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