I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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