i wish my penis had a tongue
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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