STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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