Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
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