I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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