Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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