Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
