I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
