Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
