So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
