When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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