The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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