I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
