i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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