What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my being single is dangerous.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
