There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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