I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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