hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
It's like God shit irony all over that family
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
