I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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