i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
