I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
pop tarts are not kleenex
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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