Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I love you. Go after that dick
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
