You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
