Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
