LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
