I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
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