I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
