She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize