I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
