No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
