Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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