Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
