I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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