You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize