I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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