I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
