I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Randomize
